About 15 years ago, I was unknowingly about to embark upon a very painful life and spiritual journey. One Saturday night in vespers, I was looking at the icon of Christ to the right of the iconostas when He suddenly stepped out of the icon and stood before it, looking at me. He was radiating light from His whole body like sparks. I was terrified and wanted to run away. He gradually faded away. I immediately felt a lot of shame for my reaction and was deeply afraid that I would want to run away from Him rather than towards Him at the Last Judgement.
I tried talking to my priest about what had happened, but he was not helpful. I was so scared of having another encounter this unsettling that I gradually shut down my spiritual life. At the same time, my husband was going blind and my daughter was very ill. I was also growing increasingly dissatisfied with the emphasis on Mother Russia in my parish, so I gradually stopped going to church.
After a bit of a journey, where the Lord continued to prove to be faithful to me, I started back at a small mission church led by a priest I had known 15 years earlier. His wife was my godmother. In our first confession, I shared my anger at God and my despair. He stated that I had made a wrong turn somewhere spiritually, and I immediately recognized what had happened. I shared the icon experience with him and he helped me to realize that fear and wanting to run away from the revelation of Christ is not uncommon. I had no need to be ashamed or afraid. I did need to repent and return to Christ.
From that time on, I took the icon of the Transfiguration to be my own personal icon and treasured that Feast. Gradually, I moved through this very dark night of the soul to the other side. My prayer life became much deeper, and my faith transformed. I spent a lot of time praying for the grace never to want to run away again. This priest helped me to heal much of my old trauma and lingering PTSD through confession. My daughter slowly became well, and my husband had his sight restored.
Glory be to God for all things!
Christina Veselak lives in Wayne, WV, with her husband, Fr. Jan Veselak, and attends Holy Spirit Antiochian Orthodox Church. She has been Orthodox since 1986. She has been a licensed psychotherapist working in the addiction field for 40 years and a mental health nutritionist since 1993. She now runs an online school for professionals, The Academy for Addiction and Mental Health Nutrition, along with a non-profit organiaion, Eating Protein Saves LIves, Inc. where she teaches how to effectively address the biochemistry of addictive disorders using food and nutraceuticals.
